If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know that there are certain unspoken agreements that one must abide by to ensure that each person happy. If Person A forces Person B to do something against their will, Person B gains leverage to require Person B to return the favor at a later date. This is often at a moment’s notice on a date and time of Person B’s choosing.
bachelor_2019
Photo by TV Insider

I remind you of this arrangement so that you can understand why I was watching ABC’s The Bachelor this Monday night instead of the Alabama vs. Clemson national title game. My girlfriend, Marina, is subjected to no less than 3-4 televised NBA games per week just by spending as much time with me as she does. As a result, at approximately 5:00 PM on Monday evening, I was informed that I would be watching the 2019 season opener of The Bachelor, starting at the exact same time as the Clemson vs. Alabama kickoff.

I have never watched The Bachelor and I know extremely little about how the show (contest?) works. Since it was a new experience, instead of being the only dude in my follower circle to be tweeting about a predominantly female-viewer reality TV show, I decided to live blog the whole thing. Oh, and before you read this, just know that I had open bets on the Clemson moneyline (Clemson to win the game) and for James Harden of the Houston Rockets to finish his game versus Denver with a triple-double for the duration of this .

8:17 PM – I have turned this on 17 minutes late. Why am I not watching the national title game now? I have $10 on the Clemson moneyline.
8:18 PM – Girls are introducing themselves. This girl wants “stability and security” and is trying to find love on TV. Well, honey…
8:20 PM – Marina: “Her job is ‘Never been kissed’? Shut up.”
8:20 PM – This girl has like, definitely kissed someone before.
8:21 PM – James harden has 0 rebounds 6 minutes into this game. I am losing that bet.
8:23 PM – This girl from Texas: “My mom…she had to go to federal prison”. I am like…..dying. “I’m the damn confetti cake”
8:24 PM – Commercials. Thank the Lord. I am drinking red wine and watching the bachelor while the national title game is on. Do I lose just one testicle for this or both?
8:28 PM – This man (the bachelor?) was introduced through imagery of him showering and doing cross-fit. This is just basically softcore porn for women, right?
8:30 PM – Bro. You’re like, a 10. You’ve played football forever. You were a good-looking kid. You were in the NFL. Stop acting like you were a loser.
8:31 PM –  “I was ready to lose my virginity to Becca” What.
8:33 PM – James Harden still has 0 rebounds
8:34 PM – Why do they keep talking about his virginity?
8:37 PM – He’s showering again.
8:39 PM – I think I’m gonna keep a virginity counter from here on out
COLTON VIRGINITY MENTION COUNTER: IIIIIIIIIII
8:39 PM – So I just learned (from Marina) that most of these “success stories” are from the Bachelorette. Apparently, women are better at picking their significant others than men. I do not know what to do with this information.
8:40 PM – She has now mentioned Bachelor in Paradise. What is this?
8:41 PM – So why are all of these people half-naked? There are people standing in line to get in a hot tub. This guy in the hot tub kind of looks like Eddie (chandler’s old roommate) from season 2 of Friends.
8:42 PM – It’s time for Colton to meet the ladies (after the 100th commercial break)
8:42 PM – NBA All-Star and former MVP James Harden has yet to record a single offensive or defensive rebound (9:01 left in Q2)
8:45 PM – They just implied that Colton was lesser than a dolphin because he refuses to have sex for pleasure.
8:47 PM – Jesus Christ this guy is proposing. Who is he? Why is he important?
8:47 PM – I think she said yes?
8:49 PM – This show consists of vastly more commercials than actual content.
8:49 PM – JAMES HARDEN GOT A REBOUND!
8:52 PM – There is an exorbitant amount of estrogen on this set.
8:53 PM – Marina is still adamant that “Never Been Kissed” is not a job.
8:55 PM – This girl is wearing her “Miss North Carolina” sash. Oh my god it has his last name on it. Except it says “Miss” instead of “Mrs.” So, she’s an idiot.
8:55 PM – Marina predicts that Colton’s top 2 will consist of two white blonde girls. Noted. Also, apparently there is Bachelor fantasy? Who plays this?
8:56 PM – Miss Carolina is drunk, we think.
8:57 PM – Do these girls think it’s a turn-on to mention his virginity?
9:00 PM – What the fuck is going on?

bachelor_sloth

9:03 PM – Following commercial break, Sloth Girl has finally reached Colton.
9:04 PM – She’s really leaning into this talking it slow thing.
9:07 PM – This girl is from Alabama. Does she know the national title game is on?
9:12 PM – I tuned out for a couple minutes. How many of these women are there?
9:13 PM – “Oh she’s gonna ‘Love Actually’ this” – Marina (what is ‘Love Actually’ when used in verb form?)
9:15 PM – Oh shit an Australian. Hot.
9:15 PM – WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE SHE’S NOT ACTUALLY AUSTRALIAN??
9:17 PM – There is a horse and carriage. Her job is “Cinderella”. I have no further thoughts on this matter.
9:21 PM – They brought in the girl from before who faked her accent.
9:22 PM – It just now occurred to me that this show is pre-recorded and the only thing that is live is this watch party thing and I now am even less invested than before somehow.
9:26 PM – So Becca is here. Apparently, this is awkward because it’s his ex. I don’t really know what happened here, but I am intrigued.
9:27 PM – This Becca girl seems awful, tbh.
9:30 PM – Marina just said I should “take boyfriend notes” because I said I wouldn’t hold an antenna up for 45 min to watch the Bachelor. I am considering leaving.
9:33 PM – Another proposal. Really.
9:35 PM – James Harden now has 4 rebounds.
9:38 PM – I am tuning out mentally at this point.
9:42 PM – This guy just asked for “openness” and “honesty” from a group of 31 20-something  predominantly white women. Hahahahahaha—buddy listen.
9:44 PM – This girl from Texas may be my least favorite person on the whole earth and her voice makes me want to jump off of a building.
9:47 PM – Marina theorizes that Colton may be gay. This would be an interesting twist.
9:48 PM – This girl just asked Colton if he was more nervous for the Bachelor or an NFL football game. Given that he never played an NFL football game, I’d say he wasn’t real nervous about playing in one.
9:50 PM – Oh my god. Colton is my age. I am lying in bed live blogging this show and have drank a bottle of wine in 1 hour and 47 minutes. Need to re-evaluate.
9:56 PM – THIS THING GOES UNTIL 11???
9:59 PM – Just set the oven to 425. Pizza rolls on the way.
10:00 PM – Why is sloth girl still slothing?
10:01 PM – Holy forking shirtballs she is a dime and a half. And she’s from Cape Cod. Bro just pick her.
10:05 PM – Botox girl is doing some shady shit. Everybody is super mad at Botox Girl.
10:07 PM – Wow Imagine Dragons just brought out Lil Wayne. And I’m watching Botox Girl apologize.
10:11 PM – Marina has described Botox Girl as “A Triflin’ Hoe”
10:19 – Pizza rolls are in the oven.
10:23 PM – “All of our viewing parties are still in full swing throughout the country”. How many are there? Are there any in Kentucky? Imagine like a Paducah or Harlan Bachelor watch party.
10: 27 PM – This speech pathologist girl is pretty cool. She’s probably my second favorite next to Sloth Girl.
10:30 PM – He’s super touchy with this Kaity girl. Oh… wait, they just made out.
10:32 PM – Bama girl is interesting. She may, however, be a sociopath.
10:33 PM – For a virgin this guy sure makes out with a whole lot of girls pretty instantaneously.
10:34 PM – Botox Girl kind of reminds me of Stifler’s Mom
10:36 PM – I have problems with the phrase “Live Premiere of the Bachelor”
10:39 PM – pizza rolls
10:42 PM – That Clemson money line bet I made 7 minutes before kickoff is looking like the biggest understatement of 2019.
10:46 PM – If fake Australian accent and sloth girl each do not get a rose, I’m gonna fucking riot.
10:47 PM – BOTOX GIRL GETS TO MOVE ON WHAT IN TARNATION.
10:49 PM – So does this mean that sloth girl from Boston is still single?

 

My main takeaways:

  1. Who comes up with these girls’ job titles? I want that job.
  2. This show is broken up as follows:
    1. 35 min of actual Bachelor’ing
    1. 145 min of commercials
  3. If a guy is in any way connected with professional football (or, probably any sport for that matter), his chances of landing a gorgeous girl go up by a factor of x180000.
  4. ABC (and by extension, Disney) REALLY want to stress to viewers that being a virgin at 26 is WEIRD.
  5. The show being pre-recorded months in advance really removes any dramatic tension for me. Like, how do you all care knowing that all of this has already happened? And how does it not leak who he picked? Do they not hang out?

As you can probably tell, I had my laptop pulled up watching several NBA games as well as the CFB national championship game while watching this THREE HOUR show. That being said, I can’t say I was 100% the most invested in what was going on, but I do believe I paid just enough attention to get a grasp on what the show is about and how I feel about it.

The Bachelor is the definition of trash TV. If you’re looking to just turn your brain off for a few hours, there are worse ways to do it. I’m not saying I’ll seek it out on my own, but I’ll play along for time being if it keeps Marina from not complaining about having to endure things like a Tuesday night Sixers-Wizards matchup every so often.

Joel Embiid, Marcin Gortat
Photo by Michael Perez, The Associated Press
Author

Graduate of the University of Kentucky (B.A. Information Communication Technology, 2018), NBA-obsessed, movie-watching, tech junkie.

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